The restless mind!

Not very long back did I realize that subconsciously I do a lot of introspection! This struck me a few days back sometime before midnight. What I realized just before going to sleep is that I ask myself too many questions and let my dreams answer them for me. In a way, I force dreams, even though it may sound weird, but I think I do. Just after hitting the bed, I force my mind to think about something that I wish to find answers about. I don't remember the answers that my mind generates (them being dreams!) but I remember most of those questions that I pose to it.

The questions are ofcourse affected by the immediate past but at times it gets into things long gone by. For instance, a chat with my girlfriend minutes before going to sleep leaves good ground for letting the mind (inside that head resting on the pillow) to hunt for details about each chunk of the conversation. The mind tries to prolong those thoughts because it is happy thinking about her but so very often there is interference with other things, totally unrelated things yet somehow interlinked. At times it gets irritating because the "half-awake me" tries to concentrate on thoughts about her but the "half-asleep me" interrupts and diverts my mind from focusing too hard on one thing. So often I force myself to suddenly open my eyes in such a conflict situation and start afresh. Sleep seems to be not that simple a process because the mind is never as tired as the body when I jump into bed.

Music relaxes my mind whenever I hear it during the course of the day but I am sure it disturbs me after I go to sleep. I hate pieces of songs that I just cannot sing however hard I might try. My mind furiously tries to get me into trying to figure out a way to sing those portions but at times it seems impossible. I really wish my mind learnt to "lose" at times just to give me a good night's sleep. My roommate hates it when I leave the bed singing early in the morning. He's convinced I am a psycho! Its difficult to tell him how hard I try to let it go but my mind just won't allow me to do it.

In a normal day, the mind finds it very easy to let things slip off because there is so much else all around to divert your attention to. But, once your eyes are closed, avoiding what seems important is very difficult. So often, I get flashes of thoughts, something like changing channels on a TV set. It is like the mind forces me to choose among one of those "channels". It can be just about anything, a cricket match, a horseride in egypt, the broken leg of my dog when I was a kid, a singing audition, a naughty movie sequence, great food, a shaky flight back home or just about thousands of other thoughts. It is confusing at times because soon after waking up, most of these things suddenly take the backseat and don't appear at all in the full long day. I have realized it lately but I think the introspection has been going on forever. However confidently I might say I have the answers to all my concerns, my busy mind would keep telling me at night that there are few stones that I have left unturned. Its unfortunate I cannot ask my mind to shut up, be cool and go to sleep!