Stage Fright

It seems fear comes naturally to us. It also seems fear grows with maturity. The more we mature, the more scared we are. Sounds funny, doesn’t it? Imagine a kid who has never fallen and got hurt, one who’s never got a scolding or heard a horror story. What would scare him? His growth (maturity) starts with school, where he is taught what good people are like. The kid learns that the good people are the ones who are respected by society and he ought to be like one of them one day. In other words, it’s the beginning of him getting scared of becoming anything else. Even the smartest of the lot who are loaded with ‘Distinctions’ and have topped for years together are scared that they might not top in the coming year. They get used to being loved by friends and family for their ‘Distinctions’ so much that the very thought of losing it anyway anywhere scares the hell out of them. In my opinion, if one has a defense mechanism at that tender age that could beat that fear off, he would never ever face something like “stage fright”. Alas, many of us haven’t been that strong or lucky in those years. Its just because we are among the fortunate ones to have received the right education that has taught us that being good is synonymous with being successful.

We commonly associate the term stage fright in a literal sense. A schoolboy might be reluctant to stand up in a morning school assembly to read out something as simple as the 'Thought of the day'. A singer could be sweating at the thought of messing up the lyrics or a high note on stage. A dancer who has practiced the same steps 'N' number of times could find his leg shaking out of fear even before getting on the stage. The list is endless. Yet I feel this physical 'stage' is not the 'stage' that worries the kid, the singer or the dancer for that matter.
A famous Shakespearean quote says "All the world's a stage". I don't feel there's any better interpretation of a stage. A new born has no fear since he hasn't experienced the 'stage'. But before he comes to his senses, he is already being moulded into becoming a reflection of his parents. Then follows school and college and work and the various 'stages' of his life and he is constantly 'frightened' at each 'stage' of him turning out to be anyone but the loved and cherished person he is at that 'stage' of life.
I recently had the privilege of competing with a few top notch singers in a reality show. I also got to share my room with this superbly talented guy from Himachal Pradesh who has performed on stage since he was a kid and had also made it to the top 12 of Sa Re Ga Ma (another reality show) in some previous season. He oozes confidence and his singing is flawless. He has years of training in classical music and wishes to make a career in music which he most certainly would sooner or later. Everything was fine till the day came when we were supposed to sing in front of the judges. Of all people, I saw this very experienced stage singer falling prey to stage fright. Before getting on stage, he told me that every single time he sets feet on stage, he has that fear of failing. The fear of not being admired as much as he is now and deserves to be. What I learnt from him is that its certainly not about being alien to a 'staged atmosphere' that freaks out people, the fear is innate. It cannot go just by years of practice or performance. If it is within you, it would stay forever unless you deliberately kill that fear.
The only way I feel stage fright can be eliminated is by introspection. This would sound much easier said than done but I feel it is not that tough either. As you step on any stage, just look around at a few faces in the crowd and tell yourself that these are the people who have come all the way to watch you perform. The very thought that you might have been sitting in the audience rather than standing there on stage had you not dared to showcase your talent should make you feel very proud. This proud feeling can eliminate most of that fear. It is pessimistic behavior to think of all the ways things could go wrong for you. A stage gives you the opportunity to fight out of that web of fear. Once you succeed in eliminating that fear, you have won more than just that one battle. You have brought that kid in you back to life who isn't scared of trying something new, something that makes 'him' happy.

The Canine Connection

I have always wondered what makes dogs so lovable. What is it about a dog that makes it man's best friend? The breeds of pet dogs may vary from the rich to the poor but the reasoning given by most people is the same. They say a dog is very faithful to you and remains by your side throughout its life. There is certainly no doubt about that. But is it that simple?
I have always been very fond of animals, especially dogs. Very often I wonder whether the pet needs the man more or is it the other way around. A man who has picked up a stray from the street and takes care of it providing food and shelter might feel he's done a favor on the little unprotected thing that could easily have been trampled by a speeding truck. But why is this poor thing so very often a dog? Why not a poor person without shelter and food? My understanding to this is that there is a definite connection between man and the canines. We just love this species. We love these four legged creatures which follow us when we walk, which somehow manage to relate to your feelings without uttering a word and without fail are the first to reach the door when you come back from work.
People who haven't kept pets find it 'amusing' how a family grieves the death of a pet. Its like losing a child for the grown ups and like losing his best friend for a kid. I have experienced both these feelings. As a kid, when a neighbour broke my adopted stray friend's leg while reversing his car, I kind of developed a huge hatred for him even as a kid. The poor thing had to go because the injury was very severe. When another of my pets, Zen passed away, the absence of the four legs made home look so dull. When you ring the bell and suddenly when there's noone to greet you with wild celebration that you've got used to, that's the time you truly realize the importance of that little creature.
Dogs don't take much time to judge you. Either they like you instantly, or you are a reject straightaway. I still don't understand why one of my pets doesn't like the subziwali's loud voice and the other which can still not tolerate just one of the servants at my nani's place. In that little head, they have a big enough brain to form opinions about people it seems. You simply can't give a dog a bath or touch its tail if it doesn't like you.
Another thing, you may be possessive about your pets but they are much more possessive about you. They just don't like other people getting closer to them and diverting the owner's attention from them. The best thing about dogs and the biggest difference between them and humans (according to me) is that they never crib. They might be a little choosy when it comes to food but you won't see a dog giving you a dirty stare because of that. They are surely among the most adjusting species known. Humans should actually learn to stay happy from animals. Alas, little pretty things in life don't seem to satisfy us smarter beings.
This blog is actually dedicated to all my canine friends with whom I've shared a relation which I can never express entirely. Thank you friends for all the energy you brought into my life and the immeasurable sweetness that I'll always cherish.

The elusive perfect woman!

Right from the school days, every boy dreams of winning the best available girl's heart. He feels a great joy if he manages to get close to her even once in a day between lectures, during recess, during physical training sessions or while taking the same bus back home. His happiness knows no bounds if she invites him to her birthday party or becomes his laboratory partner.
He can't stop smiling looking at her. He is ready to protect her from any problem and feels sorry and sad if she doesn't do well. His friends teasing him about her being his girlfriend and not just his friend irks him. He really cares for her and doesn't understand why people are always after them being together. All of this comes to a sudden end the day school gets over and the boy and girl move to two different colleges.
The guy is still in a state of dilemma if he should have let the girl know about his 'special' feelings for her. Was she the best woman he was destined to meet? Or as people generally say, "Son, college years are going to be the best years in your life"? The years of limitless opportunities and possibilities. He is totally confused as years pass by and doesn't feel that special thing for anyone. He watches the other happy couples get along amazingly well, a few couples break up because of no evident reason and he gets further confused as to what he really wants in life. His friends get sick hearing his tales from his school days and brand him a 'Loser'.
Then suddenly one fine day, he comes across this wonderful person, this girl who smells wonderful, talks beautifully, walks beautifully, dreams about the same thing as he does and on top of it all, she considers him charming.
But this time he chooses to be careful. What if there are better girls in store for him? What if he loses out on this girl the same way as he lost his school buddy? What if he feels much strongly about the girl than she reciprocates? He even considers the option of just going out and play it all strings unattached. After all, that’s how it has worked for all his 'cool' and 'smart' friends. Who wants all those sentiments and attachments to creep into this setting which seems like so much fun? There is absolutely no need to take that risk. But the big question that keeps lingering on in his mind is "Till when?". What about the perfect woman he's always dreamed of? Has he lost his mind? Who is he looking to please; his friends?
His best friend tells him, "Don't worry mate. Love happens. You cannot force it at any time. One day you will find her". This is the guy who stays away from girls because his parents firmly believe its 'improper' behavior to go out with someone you don't wish to marry. A good son that he his, he believes his 'producers' can never be wrong. He has been made to believe that time will find him the perfect girl. It’s all made in heaven. His other good friend believes he's wasting his time pondering about the hearty issues. He speaks out of experience that a girl is a girl; she's perfect for you till the day she gives it to u. There is no steady perfect girl. It’s all a load of crap. He's found his fun with variety. The amazing thing about these friends is that both are extremely happy with their way of lives. So why is he confused? Is it because he has no clarity of thought? Is it because he wants to play it safe for his parents but at the same time lead a life of his own, a life full of adventures? Is he maybe trying too hard to find an answer even though it doesn't exist?
I have had my share of doubts in this regard. What I have realized is that unless you try, you will never get anywhere close to the woman you have been looking for. You have to take initiative unless lady luck is too kind and generous on you. I have also realized that you will always receive a package of shortcomings along with all the good attributes you like in that person. This is bound to happen. A human is not human without shortcomings.
When you meet this woman with minimum shortcomings according to your standards, don't let her move away. Don't chase one or two extra attributes in the next woman you find attractive. She would fall short on a few counts on your list that the previous person had. Time increases the sweetness in any relationship manifold.

Are our 'Problems' real?

First of all I wonder why somebody would even bother opening an article with the keyword 'problems'. Now that you have opened the article, before you read on, I would like you to take a minute and think of as many 'problems' you have faced and got through in the last few years.

I am sure there aren't many people who would spend this minute thinking and not come up with anything to discuss. It is like the most common attribute among all mankind. This doesn't seem to change with place and time. Our appetite for facing and sharing 'problems' is immense. Wherever we go, we discuss 'problems'. It seems we can't have enough of talking and hearing about them.

The big question is whether there is possible end to these 'problems'? Impossible. Period. The only thing that can change is a definition of a 'problem'. In my case this has worked immensely and people very often ask me how I manage to keep a constant smile on my face. I will describe my victory over my 'problems' in simple words. I can assure you that if you can make a conscious effort to beat them, you will just find that they never even 'existed'.

In the following sections, I have tried to describe a few basic problems which most of us 'unfortunate' people face. I have also tried to provide instances from my own life. Things that have changed my life. But nothing could take my smile away.


Problem 1: Death of a loved one

There is no escaping this 'problem'. This is a permanent loss and the sorrow is beyond comprehension. I lost my father a few months back and life changed all of a sudden. He expired prematurely in an accident under unknown circumstances. What followed was something in which I discovered some 'humour'. No kidding. It was humorous. The way people react to deaths. Phones kept ringing for the next two weeks and there was no dearth of people trying to 'console' my family members. Most of these were people who we had never met and they were behaving like the people who cared the most. People arrived in gaps and the same scenes of unbearable pain resurfaced. People who had smiled all day long managed to extract tears. It didn't take more than 15-20 minutes for the pain to heal. The next discussion was what was there for lunch. This lasted hours and hours and it remained the most talked about topic for the entire two weeks. Not just the people, even the 'Godman' taking care of all pujas had his own ideas. He suggested everything in the book that would please the lord (i.e. everything that could fetch him a quick buck). It was loot in broad daylight. I cried as the loss of my father haunted me but when I saw these people, I couldn't stop smiling. I really wished I could find some space and actually remember my father, a supremely kind human being.
Coming back to the point, this loss is inevitable, sooner or later. If we start to consider this as a 'problem', the world is, and would remain, full of 'problems'. The soul departs and we 'poor' survivors mourn the loss to exemplary proportions. There is a much better way to avoid this 'problem'. It is to weigh your 'problem' on a relative scale. Think of people who lose their entire families in accidents. Think of parents who lose their only child in a road accident. All of a sudden, you would start feeling relatively fortunate. I'm not sure this would work for people who have decided to keep themselves sad for the rest of their lives. The way I put it, it may sound too 'insensitive', but there is no better virtue than to find a reason to stay happy. Your strength makes people around you (only the ones who really care) happy. I realize my father would never have liked me to stay sad, so I've found a way out of my 'misery' and that is to smile through all difficult phases in my life ahead.

Problem 2: Failure

This is a major cause of worry. People lament about their over-taxing jobs, about their failure to perform to the standards set by themselves, about their cheating boyfriends/girlfriends, about no money to spend on the real thrills in life, about failing a paper, about recurring diseases, about their children not topping the class, about them not being the prettiest of the lot, about their counterparts getting frequent promotions and the list is endless. The chase for success is a never ending one. Most of us are caught up in this vicious circle. We just don't set reachable targets for ourselves. We always strive to travel that extra mile further and all that we 'unfortunate' people find is 'failure'.
Does this mean we stop trying to achieve more and more? Not at all. There's no point in living if we just feel happy with whatever we have. That’s stagnation. The end. No smart person would want stagnation. But what we should learn to accept is that in going for that extra mile, there's always a chance that you might not always succeed. The biggest and the richest people are those who have fought their losses and learned to leave them behind and make a move on. The same way as you cannot afford to over-celebrate your success, there is no reason why a loss should always linger in our minds. You can never taste the real sweetness of success unless you've tasted a failure, a real kick up your ass, of the same level. If this doesn't convince you, again do a relative scaling of your failures. There are people in the streets unfortunate enough to not find a roof to sleep under on a cold rainy night or grab a single meal in a day. These are the 'real problems' in life, not the ones we had listed earlier. You are a failure only if you imagine yourself to be one. Otherwise, you are very very fortunate. There is a simple choice to make, either you can lie back after a hard day's work and complain or you can come back with a big smile on your face just laughing all your troubles off. Learn to share your joys and avoid spreading the virus called 'failure'. No child would like to think that his parent is a failure and the other way around. Work on your failures, don't crib about what all caused that failure. You can easily find some light at the end of the tunnel with some patience and self-belief. Even if you don't succeed, atleast you can smile and feel happy about trying your best to achieve something.

Problem 3: "What would people say?"

I have come across so many people who determine most of the things they do because of what people around them like or they don't. They tend to do it knowingly or unknowingly. 'The term 'people' includes your parents, your colleagues and even people who you hardly know or have never met. We try so hard to be someone else to be recognized as 'good' people. There are so many times we don't even know who we are trying to please. I have seen people dress strangely in public places, students taking up courses because their parents thought of them as good streams, guys finding their perfect girl going by what their friends consider perfect, people switching jobs because everyone else does the same etc.
If you realize that most of these people who you are trying to impress hardly even bother to give you a second look, you have got through this problem. Don't we have a mind of our own? Are we ready to accept other people's norms to shape our destiny? Life is small and it is entirely yours. It is a good thing to learn and try to emulate your superiors but inhibiting your own talents and ideas in this process can never be justified. Try to evaluate yourself and learn to take risks in life. People willing to move ahead in life have to take calculated risks. And isn't life much more fun that way? Don't we like the idea of flying even though it might be risky and life threatening if we fall down? The happiest person is one who never hinders his thought process and learns to take life in his own stride. Don't bother what the 'smart' people around you think or say; there is no bigger satisfaction than in being yourself. If you think people are watching you, just imagine that they are waiting to watch you fall. They are the people who find it extremely difficult to praise you for the good things that you do but are ready to pounce on you as soon as you fail. It is in your own interest to avoid such 'spectators'.

These simple defense mechanisms to avoid ‘problems’ have proved very handy for me. Just give it a try and I am sure they would work for most of you. Don’t let your smile fade away. A pretty smile makes everyone’s day around you.